American Dreams: Questions to self reflect
Since implicit bias lives in our subconscious, it can be hard to spot. Sometimes, all we need is a moment to pause and reflect honestly on our thoughts and behaviors. These questions can help you recognize areas of bias and how they might affect relationships with others.
The ability to buy or rent a home should be a basic human right, but unfortunately, LGBTQ+ people face many barriers to safe housing. The reality is that over half of US states lack written laws protecting people from being denied housing for being LGBTQ+.
Transgender people often face difficulties navigating threats of violence or generally uncomfortable situations with roommates and property managers. All of this contributes to the staggering rates of LGBTQ+ people struggling with homelessness, especially young people (up to 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+). [Source: National Coalition for the Homeless]
Without affirming and safe places to be, LGBTQ+ folks can end up feeling isolated in a place they’re supposed to call home. If they’re experiencing abuse, violence, and harassment, they may have nowhere to turn.
This is why it’s all the more important to get to know your neighbors and be welcoming to everyone. Ask people how they’re doing, who they are, and offer your support. You may make a difference in creating a safer, more accepting community for everyone around you. Also make sure to get to know the laws in your state and community that impact LGBTQ+ people’s right to safe housing.
Learn how if your state has nondiscrimination laws by visiting Movement Advancement Project's Nondiscrimination Laws Map.
Transgender people often face difficulties navigating threats of violence or generally uncomfortable situations with roommates and property managers. All of this contributes to the staggering rates of LGBTQ+ people struggling with homelessness, especially young people (up to 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+). [Source: National Coalition for the Homeless]
Without affirming and safe places to be, LGBTQ+ folks can end up feeling isolated in a place they’re supposed to call home. If they’re experiencing abuse, violence, and harassment, they may have nowhere to turn.
This is why it’s all the more important to get to know your neighbors and be welcoming to everyone. Ask people how they’re doing, who they are, and offer your support. You may make a difference in creating a safer, more accepting community for everyone around you. Also make sure to get to know the laws in your state and community that impact LGBTQ+ people’s right to safe housing.
Learn how if your state has nondiscrimination laws by visiting Movement Advancement Project's Nondiscrimination Laws Map.
Have you ever referred to being gay or trans as a choice or a lifestyle that can be changed?
Our sexual orientation and gender are natural parts of who we are – it is not a choice to be trans, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc., just like it’s not a choice to be straight. People also can’t “turn” gay or trans, so exposing a boy to toys traditionally made for girls, such as dolls, won’t “cause” him to become gay or a woman (for example).
Since we don’t decide who we are attracted to, therapy, “treatment,” or persuasion won’t change those things. These practices are known as “conversion therapy” which has proven detrimental to the mental health of people and is illegal in many states because of how harmful it can be.
We should all have the ability to simply live our lives as who we are. So when people tell you who they are, believe them. Respect everyone for who they are. Spend more time getting to know people with different experiences and you’ll find you have more in common than you think!
Since we don’t decide who we are attracted to, therapy, “treatment,” or persuasion won’t change those things. These practices are known as “conversion therapy” which has proven detrimental to the mental health of people and is illegal in many states because of how harmful it can be.
We should all have the ability to simply live our lives as who we are. So when people tell you who they are, believe them. Respect everyone for who they are. Spend more time getting to know people with different experiences and you’ll find you have more in common than you think!
Have you asked personal questions about an individual's body parts — for example, asking a transgender person about their physical journey, hormones, or surgery?
Everybody's body and how they talk about it can be a very personal topic. Especially for individuals who have transitioned, are in the process of doing so, or do not have the financial means to do so, probing on the specifics of their body parts and medical history can be invasive. If a trans or nonbinary person decides to share their medical history with you, that is their decision. And remember, sex and gender identity are two separate things: sex is what we are assigned at birth based on medical factors, and gender identity is how a person defines and conceptualizes their own gender (which is internal). It is not necessary to know someone’s sex in order to understand them.
Do you have different expectations for people based on their gender?
Maybe you’ve mentioned that doing laundry is a woman’s job, or referred to a father taking care of his child as “babysitting”. Assuming someone should take on a specific role – whether in the workplace or at home – can prevent them from taking on the role they want to take on. Keep in mind that families and individuals can define their own roles.
Have you ever expected a gay person to have a certain personality type or interests because of their identity?
Although we might not intend to, making assumptions about someone based on their sexual orientation can be hurtful. Not all people who share the same LGBTQ+ identity labels have the same hobbies, interests, or personality traits, so we should avoid making generalizations based on a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/microaggressions-lgbtq-people-deal-with_l_60c12080e4b059c73bd556e2
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/microaggressions-lgbtq-people-deal-with_l_60c12080e4b059c73bd556e2
Have you ever assumed people are straight?
Not all people are in heterosexual marriages or relationships. Millions of people are in same-sex relationships or marriages. To be more inclusive, you can use the term spouse, partner, or significant other when discussing relationships.
Have you ever justified using specific language (that might be offensive to some) because a friend told you it doesn’t bother them?
Even if a friend told you it doesn't bother them, it’s best to avoid language that can be perceived as having biased undertones. There’s a chance the language could be offensive to another person and make them feel unwelcome and unsafe when you’re around. Additionally, even when it’s not our intention, biased language can also reinforce stereotypes and perpetuate disparities in our society, like making it harder for someone to find an apartment, secure a loan, or receive a fair trial.
Have you used language that might be offensive to LGBTQ+ people?
Language is powerful — what we say to each other matters. Certain words used to offend people throughout history were later reclaimed, turning once insulting phrases into in-group terms of endearment and empowering identities. This is definitely true of the LGBTQ+ community — the word “queer” is just one example.
Sometimes when those words are used by people in mixed company, friends outside of those specific communities may get the idea that it’s okay to use those words, too. Their friends may even say it’s fine. Some people go ahead and say these words anyway, with or without permission. You may have even used words you know are offensive around your friends, and think it’s okay because no one around you is LGBTQ+. Or, you may feel pressured to do it, and just want to fit in.
Words that might seem harmless or silly to you can carry a world of pain, historical context, and trauma for others. Your friend could be hiding their real feelings about it — maybe they told you it was fine because they didn’t want to explain themselves. Even if they really think it’s okay, using that word could end up hurting or offending someone else, and may cause unintended conflict.
Here’s a helpful rule-of-thumb: if you don’t have the lived experience that would warrant saying a word like that, you really shouldn’t say it, even if someone tells you it’s okay.
LGBTQ+ people use a wide range of terms to describe themselves, their identities, and each other. These widely accepted terms are used by both LGBTQ+ individuals and allies to foster respect and understanding. Learning and using this inclusive language creates a more welcoming society for everyone. Learn more about those terms.
Sometimes when those words are used by people in mixed company, friends outside of those specific communities may get the idea that it’s okay to use those words, too. Their friends may even say it’s fine. Some people go ahead and say these words anyway, with or without permission. You may have even used words you know are offensive around your friends, and think it’s okay because no one around you is LGBTQ+. Or, you may feel pressured to do it, and just want to fit in.
Words that might seem harmless or silly to you can carry a world of pain, historical context, and trauma for others. Your friend could be hiding their real feelings about it — maybe they told you it was fine because they didn’t want to explain themselves. Even if they really think it’s okay, using that word could end up hurting or offending someone else, and may cause unintended conflict.
Here’s a helpful rule-of-thumb: if you don’t have the lived experience that would warrant saying a word like that, you really shouldn’t say it, even if someone tells you it’s okay.
LGBTQ+ people use a wide range of terms to describe themselves, their identities, and each other. These widely accepted terms are used by both LGBTQ+ individuals and allies to foster respect and understanding. Learning and using this inclusive language creates a more welcoming society for everyone. Learn more about those terms.
Have you ever assumed someone’s pronouns, or referred to them with the wrong pronouns?
A person’s pronouns might not match your perception of them. Assuming someone’s pronouns may invalidate their experience as a nonbinary, gender fluid, or transgender person. Instead, try introducing yourself to people using your own pronouns and cultivate an environment where people openly share their own. If you do get someone’s pronouns wrong, simply apologize, move on, and get it right the next time!
Have you ever asked someone what their “real” name is?
Transgender or nonbinary individuals often choose new names to better fit their identity. Asking someone what their “real” “birth” or “legal” name is invalidates their experience by implying that their chosen name, and by extension their gender, isn’t real. It implies that the name they were assigned at birth (sometimes referred to as a “dead name”) is more legitimate than their chosen name.
Have you ever ruled out certain neighborhoods as places you might live or send your kids to school based on the town’s demographics?
When choosing a place to live or send our kids to school, we often evaluate whether the people in a community look like us. This is because we assume that people who look like us will share our values. However, almost all families want the same thing - to feel relaxed, safe and loved at home. There is also great power in living in a diverse community. By engaging with families who look a bit different than your own, you’ll break down stereotypes, learn new things and have the ability to form lasting relationships.
When you think about people from other communities, what comes to mind? Do you associate these groups with any specific physical characteristics, personality traits, clothing, or any other traits?
No identity group or community is a monolith or all the same; the individuals within each of these communities are diverse, intersectional, and unique!
Yet we often make assumptions or generalizations about an identity group based on how we have internalized stereotypes (sometimes without even recognizing it). Even seemingly positive stereotypes can imply that an individual is only good at something because of their identity, rather than the effort and hard work they put into an activity.
And while this may seem harmless, stereotypes are overwhelmingly inaccurate and can negatively impact decisions around employment, education, the justice system, housing and financial services. By taking time to reconsider stereotypes, and to question whether the assumptions we are making are supported by real evidence specific to an individual, we can work to ensure everyone is valued fairly.
Yet we often make assumptions or generalizations about an identity group based on how we have internalized stereotypes (sometimes without even recognizing it). Even seemingly positive stereotypes can imply that an individual is only good at something because of their identity, rather than the effort and hard work they put into an activity.
And while this may seem harmless, stereotypes are overwhelmingly inaccurate and can negatively impact decisions around employment, education, the justice system, housing and financial services. By taking time to reconsider stereotypes, and to question whether the assumptions we are making are supported by real evidence specific to an individual, we can work to ensure everyone is valued fairly.
Do you let it slide when your friends or family are acting or speaking in a way that may be offensive?
It can be easy to make excuses for our loved ones – maybe they grew up in a different generation, or in a lifestyle that has different values. However, it’s important to discuss things like race, disability and sexuality with our loved ones, even if it may be uncomfortable. Try explaining why their words or actions may be harmful, and offer alternative language and actions.
Picture your three best friends. Do they look like you?
We often surround ourselves with people who look like us, because we assume they share our values. However, we may find that we share common interests, experiences, and values with others who look a little different than us. Next time you meet someone with a different background, get to know them on an individual level. You might find you have more in common than you think.