Ryan Bernsten, writer and editor in Kansas City, Missouri, once drove to all 50 states in his car (a Prius, to be exact), a journey that took over 23,000 miles and brought him closer to what it means to be an American. The answer, he found, is complicated, but that there is far more that unites us than makes us different.
But Ryan is very aware of the privilege he carries in the world, even as a gay man. “In the poker deck of privilege,” he explains, “I have a royal flush. I’m white, I’m a man, I’m kind of straight-passing. I don’t even feel appropriate telling this story because of that,” he continues, “but it even happens to us!” The story he has illustrates the impact words have on LGBTQ+ people and their sense of safety and belonging.
Back in 2019, Ryan interviewed for a job at a nonprofit in the midwest, an organization he could tell mostly employed straight people. After the interview, he was invited on a tour—the man interviewing him asked about his background, and Ryan told him about that drive across the 50 states. “He asked what car I drive—I told him, a Prius. The man replied, ‘Oh, I bet that was tough,’” Ryan, confused, asked, “Why?” Then, the man called Ryan a slur to his face, combined with a crude joke about the kind of car he drives.
“No one had ever said that to me,” Ryan shared. “The man continued—asking, ‘Well, are you?’ I didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t like he asked if I was gay, he asked if I was that slur specifically. He insisted that people must have thought it about me, too. I asked, ‘Have you ever said that word in a job interview?’ And he said, ‘We’re not on the job interview anymore, we’re on the tour.’ And then I didn’t get the job!”
The experience left Ryan bewildered, unsure whether it was his own identity that cost him a job opportunity. This experience, along with all of this experience traveling and working in political campaigns, has taught him that we all deserve to feel safe—to be respected for who you are. “This guy didn’t know me, he didn’t know who he was talking to. It’s really off-putting, you feel powerless and disoriented. It’s important to make people safe and earn their trust, especially when there’s a power dynamic getting in the way.”
“People will make LGBTQ+ folks the butt of the joke, but that person tried to make a joke at my perceived expense. He could have made another joke that didn’t use a slur. I don’t begrudge the dude for doing that, but it goes to show how everyone makes mistakes.”
But to Ryan, the key to creating a safe, accepting environment for everyone is accepting our differences. It means being respectful, curious, but unafraid to make mistakes, because it is an inevitable part of life. There’s a balance to strike in how we communicate with each other: “Inviting people in, to make jokes at your own expense, can disarm LGBTQ+ people. Say you don’t necessarily understand everything. It puts people at ease when you can take feedback.” For allies, this means being flexible and open. “Show that, if you make a mistake, you’ll be receptive to growing. Even LGBTQ+ people make mistakes! There’s not a guide book with all of the answers.”
“When it’s a given that everyone is supportive and loving, we can all make fun of ourselves a little bit.”